You Saw My Blinker Bitch

{April 26, 2010}   Epic Fail!

What a beautiful Monday! And by that I mean I did something somewhat productive. Janie and I went running, or fast shuffling as I like to call what I’m doing out there on the track, followed by calorie laden coffee. YUM! Coffee is not only delicious, but it really is what keeps me from totally going of the deep end. Which I’m damn close to anyway y’all. But that’s another story for another day.

Friday. Oh Friday. It was a good Friday, really. I got up, took Emilio to school. Came back home to my mother still being home (you know, in her OWN home that I’ve infiltrated) and changed into my running gear. Picked up Janie and we went for our first of (hopefully) many running excursions. I was feeling really good, getting back in to a grove that I had down pat years and years ago, and the all of a sudden – OH SHIT – wasn’t I supposed to be doing something today? Something really important and all life changing and shit? Oh yes, yes I was.

So it occurs to me like half a mile in that I was supposed to start my Friday Not I Day practice that morning. It also has occurred to me that I have already spent some time talking about things of importance or fun and excitement to me, even as early in the day as it was. Yeah, I’m THAT MUCH OF A SELF CENTERED WHORE. At least I can admit it, can you? Now, seeing as it was still early in the day, and I had realized my faux pas, I still could have made up for it and started from that moment on. I considered it. Momentarily. Very momentarily. I continued my run and then, off to have that delicious cup of coffee.

While at coffee, Janie and I were talking, and I found myself again doing less of the listening and more of the talking about myself, my woes (but there are so many!), and so on. Somewhere after slurping down the whip cream and before actually tasting my beverage I think I thought about confessing to Janie what I had not remembered to do. I, however, did not fess up, but rather continued my daily ritual of self-centered banter. I did listen to her a bit, and tried to be ever so slightly more attentive but that really just didn’t go over.

So, off to drop Janie at home we went. This time, before reaching her abode I told her what I had done, or rather, failed to do. FAILED. It’s like my whole school career all over again. I didn’t fail because I was dumb, or bad at what I was doing or supposed to be doing. I failed because I just DIDN’T DO IT. It was liberating to confess. I was actually pretty ambivalent on the whole issue of actually failing to do something so profound (I was hoping), and so good for everyone (with the me shutting my fucking trap for a minute and all). I confessed to Linsey via Gchat later in the day, but other than that didn’t really give it any more thought. The moments I spent thinking on it were several, yet fleeting.

What Linsey advised, which is of course awesome advice, was to try again this week. It’s not like I can’t ever try and do more listening and give more attention to others. She also was lovely to point out that it is a big step for a fucking talk-whore to actively try and be more of a listener. Baby steps people, baby steps.  I can try again, and I will try again. Maybe. Sure, yeah, ok.


Linsey says:

Oh you. You are too hard on yourself. Sometimes you have to let go of the judgment you put on yourself and live…just do your best every day to be the person you want to be.

Also, I just noticed that at the bottom left corner of your blog there is the tiniest smiley face and it’s adorable.

I’m self centered, just not a whore-standards and all .

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